


What he does best

by Killo89



Series: Hetalian stories [3]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Bad Ending, Brotherhood, Character Death, Comeback, Death, Diary/Journal, F/M, Grief/Mourning, I'm Going to Hell, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Major Illness, Marriage, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Moribund, Not Really Character Death, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Self-Worth Issues, Shipwrecks, Single Parents, Suicide, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 17:56:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7584229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killo89/pseuds/Killo89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lukas is a sailor on a warship. On war, he leaves his family for a long time, but didn't expect he would have tu survive on a desert island. When help arrives, his main mission is finding his family, and living with them the rest of his life. But said family, like whole Earth, believed him dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What he does best

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [He Still Believes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7289482) by [blom_erzi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blom_erzi/pseuds/blom_erzi). 



> Okay, this is like... Really sad... If you're not feeling good, don't read it please, it may not help at all.

Monday, November 17th 0001

 

Dear Lukas,

It’s been a while, it’s a shame I wasn’t able to write to you. It… It seems a little weird in fact to write this. But I hope it’ll somehow make me feel better. You’ll help me, right, Lukie? Anyway, I wanted to tell you what happened recently. It’s quite hard to keep up, you know… I never thought all of this would happen. I thought our lives would be forever bound to each other, you know… I guess it wasn't the case. It’s a shame we never got to marry. Death did part us sooner than expected, I guess…

I… truly miss you. When I got that call from your general, I thought my life had come to an end as well. What was the point of living when your beloved was gone, after all?

That’s when I heard footsteps nearing. Emil. I was crying my heart out, of course, and I didn’t want him to see me in that state! But seeing him right after this call cheered me up a bit. My life didn’t have to end there. I had to take care of Emil, right? I would never leave him alone.

The poor guy didn’t understand my tears. He never saw us cry… I never saw you cry either, when thinking about it.

Emil asked me why I was crying over the phone. What could I say? Lying would be impossible. Unthinkable. He deserves to know more than anyone else on the Earth. I told him the truth, still in tears… Yeah that’s quite miserable.

I told him you were gone. Of course, he didn’t get that. He told me he knew, and that you’d come back someday to greet us again. I’ve always read stories about people telling their children that their beloved was “gone in a better world”, but what can I say now? I don’t think there’s a god on this Earth. Nor that the afterworld is better than ours.

I told him you were gone, forever. No longer there, in this world. It’s quite harsh, I should have said it otherwise, but I couldn’t take those words back.

He didn’t even listen to me anyway, telling this wasn’t funny and that you’d come back one day.

It’s… heartbreaking.

* * *

 

Thursday, December 24th 0001

 

Hello dear!

I decided I’d write to you now, just before Christmas. I may not believe in god, but I do love meeting family and offering presents! Ah, you’d find me pathetic… See, I’m even writing the date like if you were the basis of my new calendar. You’d snarl at me and certainly hit the back of my head. You’d be right. You are always right.

Tino and Berwald came for Christmastime. We had a good party together. Emil stayed with Peter to play with the toddler. He says he’s annoying, but keeps playing with him. I’m sure he doesn’t mind his presence at all in fact. He just mimics you. That would be cuter if you were here to see that. I’ll try to draw him one day, because the more time passes, the more he reminds me of you.

It’s still hard, honestly. I can’t do anything without thinking about you. Your face haunt my nights… And Emil breaks my heart each evening, waiting near the door for you to open it and claiming you’re tired and would love to have dinner.

That will never happen, of course. I told him again and again that you would never come back, but he didn’t trust me. He told me something that made me cry last night. He exactly said “Big brother told me our parents died a long time ago. I can’t be unlucky enough to have my brother gone too.”

So he already understands death, doesn’t he? You somehow taught him. It’s not just misunderstanding then, it’s just… denial. He’s adorable, and I really don’t understand how life could be that bad to him. He didn’t get to know his parents and he loses you…

Don’t worry though. I love him and take care of him like you would. I make sure everything is right. I have too. It’s my duty.

I even got him something for Christmas, some toys he wanted so much.

You know, I’m glad we managed to adopt him despite the fact he’s your brother. Imagine, he would’ve been taken away from me after you disappeared. I wouldn’t have been able to handle this. Both of you were my world, I can’t lose both. I won’t let it happen, ahah.

Ah, dear… I don’t think I’ll be able to ever love again.

* * *

 Sunday, February 28th 0002

 

Hello there!

It’s been a while, sorry for this. I’ve been quite busy recently. I had to find a proper job, after all. I don’t have time and I’m really tired at the end of the day. Fortunately, Emil can go to school while I’m at work. He’s still convinced you’ll come back, I stopped fighting back.

I would like to tell I you why I stopped, but I’m just a helpless fool. I played his game. I told him that, perhaps you’d come back, who knows?

He stopped talking about you for a week then, but it didn’t help me. I’m still writing, it’s a proof I can’t get over it, right? His little speeches about you made me believe. It’s stupid. You’re gone, I got that.

But I somehow… don’t want to get over it. Over you. I don’t want to live peacefully while I know you won’t. That I fully experience life while your corpse lies under the ground. I never brought Emil there, but I think I will one day. He will perhaps understand if I show him your grave.

He told me sooner that day that he wanted me to find the pajamas you made him. Oh my, I don’t know where I put that… I didn’t take the time to organize your things, I should have I guessed. Well, you know what, I’ll do it right now. See you, love.

PS: I also brought Emil to an amusement park yesterday. We had a lot of fun together. He didn’t say your name even once this day. It’s great. He doesn’t have you anymore, but he’s a happy child, and that’s the most important.

* * *

 

Tuesday, June 17th 0002

 

Long time no see, love. I still miss you a lot, but I’ve got good news to bring. I found the pajamas you made for Emil and decided to give him today, for his birthday. I also got him a bicycle. I’ll teach him to do it, all his friends at school know but not him! That’s a shame.

While cleaning your stuff, I also came across this photo album of yours. Oh my, pictures of Emil when he was a baby!

They’re adorable, you know? Those are only pics of Emil, with only one of you. Hey, you weren’t any different before I met you, especially with your brother. I’m writing this in the morning, and he’s still asleep right now.

He hasn’t said your name for months. I would have been content before, but now I’m a bit scared, I have to say. What’s going on inside his little head of his? Does he finally understand…?

I’m afraid it’s my fault. He saw me crying multiple times now. I miss you a lot and it’s like he's the one to console me. He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t see me this weak… He has to have a strong father figure… Well, only a parent figure…

Speaking of which, Tino and Berwald adopted another boy. They’re doing pretty well, it’s good to see our friends enjoying their own family. I wish ours was like theirs, I’m a bit jealous ahah…

Ah, gotta go. Emil is to be treated like a king today. It’s his fifth birthday after all!

* * *

 

Wednesday, June 18th 0002

 

Wow… His birthday didn’t go as smoothly as expected, but everything went okay I guess.

He threw a temper tantrum because he wanted you to bake his cake. He didn’t get it. I couldn’t take it anymore, I dressed him up, put him in my car and went for the graveyard. He had to see, he’d eventually understand.

I may have overreacted. It’s not his fault, he’s just a little boy, but he… He breaks me each time he speaks of you, I can’t handle all of this. He misses you so much. I’m sure he thinks about you all the time, but perhaps hid it because of the tears of mine he saw.

I don’t want him to be like me. To write to someone who isn’t there anymore. And I realize that’s the first time I really say it, but I don’t want him to be sad about someone _dead_ for his whole life.

But guess what I overheard when I walked passed his room?

His voice. He didn’t seem to act at all, playing with Legos. He was speaking to someone. I listened carefully, and I don’t even know why I was surprised when I understood he was speaking to you.

I wanted to crash in and tell him to stop, but… Who am I to speak? I’m writing to you, he’s speaking to you. If he knew how to write, he’d the same. I can’t really blame him. It reminded me how you believed fairytales were real. Perhaps they are. And perhaps you’re in his room, actually speaking to him.

Oh, jokes on me… I’m perhaps getting crazy, I don’t really know.

* * *

 

Saturday, September 6th 0002

 

Hey there!

You know, Emil’s conversations with you used to scare me. Now, he doesn’t do it anymore. The last one he had with you, he seemed worried. He asked why you were leaving and he seemed to accept the silent answer he got.

Are you really out there? Or is his little brain of his convincing him that you’re gone with cute ways?

I guess that’s the latter. He’s accepting your death in his own ways. Now, it’s over. He doesn’t say your name anymore, but didn’t forget you either, it seemed, as he gave me one drawing of me and you. There’s a heart between the two characters… Ah, I miss you so much, love.

Emil had to go to school after these holidays. We even went on vacation in Spain. Quite a long trip, but it was worth it. Surprisingly, I met Gilbert there. He was with his Spanish and French buddies. He asked me what I was doing there, and I just answered I was having fun with Emil.

He asked me where you were.

Yeah, I hadn't told him… He was shocked you were dead, but said you were worth of all honors. You died on the battlefield, protecting your country. For him, it was the best way to die. Heroically. It’s true I never thought of it, but I’m proud of you somehow. What he said was true, you died like a hero, a death up to you.

He offered me some drinks, but I couldn’t. Oh yeah, I didn’t tell you… I’ve not drunk a single droplet of alcohol since you’re gone. I thought I wouldn’t be able to quit, that’s why I didn’t even try. And with all this sadness, I couldn’t even think about what I would have done once drunk. And there has to be someone responsible in the house, and since I’m the only remaining adult, it has to be me.

This house… I don’t want to leave it. It’s a sudden thought, I know. There’s too much memories of you and me in this house to even think of abandoning it.

The bed is colder without you. I miss the days I’d wake up next to your sleepy face. And as always, you’d need way more sleep than a normal person. It was cute. Emil slept with me after you went away, but he quickly went back to his own room.

You know, I’m doing better and better with time. I stopped crying at nights. I still miss you, but I suppose I’ll be able to get over it. I need to live, Emil needs me. I can’t cry my despair away.

I went through our old photo album. I found pictures of us. They are so old, it’s incredible! We were kids, can you believe it?

It reminds me when we first met. Oh my, I can still see your face when I gave you that flower after saying that I would marry you someday. It didn’t happen, but I love you like I expected me to do. We then spent most of our lives together, with Ber of course. We were the best friends ever… Our friendship seemed eternal, ahah…

By the way, Berwald and Tino’s first child learned to walk. He’s really cute, I like him so much! Emil doesn’t, however, repeating he’s annoying. And when he says it, he sounds like you when you spoke of me. Even now, bothering you with my letters, you think I’m annoying, right? You’re right. I should stop this. It’s perhaps not that good for my mourning to keep up with this. I suppose this is adieu, right?

Farvel. I love you.

Your beloved, Matthias.

* * *

 

Saturday, January 19th 0007

 

I thought I had lost this book… Oh dear, it’s been a while my dear Lukas.

So much happened during these years, you won’t believe it. I realized you wanted me to stay happy no matter what, even if you were gone forever. I followed this. You won’t be mad at me if I tell you I’ve got a wife, ahah?

She’s called Bella, and is one of the most beautiful creature I ever met. We met four years ago, in a café. Kinda cliché, it’s true, but who cares?

We spent a lot of time together before we actually fell in love. But before we went through anything, I told her about you.

I told her everything, and she listened carefully. I told her I would never be able to forget you and you still held a precious place in my heart. She fully understood, and here we are now, four years later, married with a child. Hell yeah, you heard it. We have a child. He’s only weeks year-old and he’s really cute.

Emil will turn ten this year. I already feel he’ll live a rough adolescence, but he’ll make it through. He kind of backtalks me but I can’t blame him. My adolescence was kinda hard too, especially for my parents. Well, you know how I was because you were there too. As far as I remember, yours was pretty calm. No acne ruining your beautiful face, not a lot of mental breakdowns… You did pretty well, that’s incredible.

I don’t really know why I decided to write today. Nostalgia, perhaps. Bella knows about this book and thinks it’s cute. I don’t know if I miss you, now. It’s sad, but you’re just a mere dream now. I don’t really like it, but what can I do? Your voice and your face almost vanished from my memory, that’s why I look at photos of you sometimes.

Is that what it’s like to forget people? I never noticed before. I don’t want to forget you. You’re my special one, the first love of my life and the one I wanted to spend my life with.

I don’t really anymore. Now, I can easily imagine my life with no memory of you. That’s terrible. I can’t. I shouldn’t, and yet… You’re slowly fading away…

I also asked Emil if he wanted Bella to become her mother. He said he didn’t want to, he wanted you to stay his. He didn’t want the administration to forget you I suppose. It’s cute. Bella isn’t offended. She understands what we’ve both been through, and I thank her so much for this. I’m glad I found her. I hope you’re doing great, wherever you are. I don’t know if I can say I love you. I suppose I still do, so let’s say it: I love you.

Emil is now ten, can you believe it? He’s grown so much… I can still hear his childish voice and his giggle when we played together. Not only you and him, but the three of us. I’ve apparently treated him too much like a baby, because he refuses that I refer to him by his age. He once told me he wanted to grow up quickly, but I don’t know why. I liked his baby him, but his preteen him form is cute as well.

Oh I hope he won’t read that, he’ll certainly kill me. What’s good is that he accepts his little brother, Bella and I’s kid. He calls him bróðir, that’s incredible! He also… barely remembers you. I understand, he was a child. He still is my baby child, but he changed and time heals everything. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad.

Farewell, love.

* * *

My eyes close themselves. I am really tired, but I cannot stop walking. For multiple reasons. The first one being: I’ve got nowhere to go. The second is that I want to find them before anything else.

Coming back there… All felt new to me, even though it wasn’t. I disappeared for seven years. Seven years… Repeating it made it sound worse. I left my family for so much time…

I was on a warship when it happened. The enemies attacked us, and my only way of surviving was to flee. It seemed like cowardice, but it was necessary for our lives. The ship was sinking and it was whether dying from the enemies or from the ocean. Both seemed stupid. I didn’t want to die like this. I didn’t want to die at all, in fact. The crew and me tried to lead the boat to the nearest island, but it sank before reaching it. That’s why we swam. We swam again and again. The enemies thought we were dead, that’s why we were left alone.

I reached the ground after what seemed like hours of swimming. My lungs were burning and I couldn’t even stay on my two legs. I collapsed on the ground but stayed conscious. I didn’t know who made it and who didn’t. I didn’t have the courage to look at them.

My thoughts were rather focused on my family. I promised them I would go back. But stuck on this island, all I could do was wait. Wait for help. And survive.

I never cried. I didn’t how to. I lost this ability when growing up. I always held my emotions firmly. Why?

I don’t really know myself. It’s perhaps because of my parents’ death. Or just that my shyness is too strong to be healthy.

I had to stand up to help my comrades. Not everyone made it, obviously. Only a few. We were five. Five survivors.

I didn’t know whether to be relieved or sad. So I said nothing. Nobody said anything. And we worked hard to make sure we wouldn’t die on this island.

One of them died the first week from starving. We didn’t have much resources. We slept on the beach in small sheds. Nothing protected us from the rain, we had no way to dry our clothes and no way to clean them either. That’s certainly why a second one died from illness. We didn’t know what he had.

That’s when we discovered a potable source. Finally. We used it to wash our clothes and drink. That would help us in notbecoming sick. The three of us, the remaining survivors of the warship, waited on this island for years. We found ways to make our own cultures and the potable source seemed endless. Everything could have been okay for years, honestly.

The only problem had to come from mankind. Expectable. When everything was right, humans had to ruin everything. That’s how they dealt with things in life too.

One of my comrade became mentally ill. He couldn’t tell the difference between reality and his imagination. And he missed his wife.

When the sane one was gone in the jungle to find food, the other decided to attack. He found me small enough to look like his wife. What the hell he thought he was doing?

He tried to rape me. So I killed him. Coldheartedly. Remorselessly. I felt nothing when my dagger went through his body to stop the beating of his heart. We tried to keep him sane. To speak to him. To help him through his problems. He often attacked us, trying to fight us like if we were demons. We never killed him, even though he injured my comrade pretty badly. Now that he's gone, we’ll have more chances of surviving..

I transported the body to the other side of the isle. Animals could eat it. I didn’t care. My emotions seemed to disappear each time. I knew I wasn’t losing my humanity when my comrade came back and I felt relieved to see him. He was my only friend, now. The only thing keeping me down to Earth.

We had enough food to last for years. We had infinite water. That’s why we spent the rest of our time to build a proper house. Something with a ceiling and four walls. Something that could help us keep the warmth at night. We somehow succeeded. It was not nice, neither big, but it was enough for just the two of us. We slept together, like scared animals. Scared animals who were able to build a nest somewhat gemutlich.

We did nothing of our days. We only spoke about ourselves and our lives, our families back home, waiting for us to return.

“I don’t think they’re waiting for us” I said more sharply than intended. “They certainly think we’re dead.”

“Yeah, right… I guess we’ll die there alone…”

“It’s quite depressing” I stated matter-of-factly. “I’m sure planes will see us one day. Civilization will find us. Like it always does.”

My comrade only nodded. He died some weeks after, for no apparent reason.

I was left alone on a desert island. Or I stayed alive or ended my life myself. Did I really want to die…?

Kinda. It was depressing to stay alone there with nothing to do. The endless sea was depressing. The blank horizon was despairing.

* * *

 

He wanted to see his family again. His jovial and happy-go-lucky beloved… He missed them dearly. Yet, he couldn’t help but feel anxious when thinking about him. The man was alone with his little brother, the last blood family he had. He hoped they were doing well, but he hoped he’d do well as well.

He was eventually rescued by a boat. When he came back to society, journalists and interviewers made their best to have a talk with him, but he refused. Even photos. He hid his face. He wanted Matthias to be surprised by his presence and not the medias to scream it on every roof.

* * *

 

That’s why I walked. Walked and walked to reach Copenhagen. To reach the street where I used to live.

Should I knock? Should I… even come?

Emil must be so old now… Ten, or something like this. I don’t know the date, I don’t know how much I walked. What matters now is my coming back, right?

I knock at the door. Then I think about my appearance. I must look like shit, of course. Hey, my clothes are years old now. I’ve not cut my hair for years and my whitish dentition must be like shit now.

My beard is big too. Oh my god, I must look like an old man. How could someone even recognize me?

The only things that didn’t were… my skin, I guess. My eyes. And my hairclip, which I miraculously saved. My voice too, I guess. I hope I won’t get ignored, after walking so much. My tired legs are trembling from fatigue, but I had to say anxiety is part of it. Fear too.

It’s almost night, now. I will certainly look like a homeless begging for refuge. But I’m finally home.

The door opens. I can’t even gasp. I can’t breathe anymore.

A boy stands where the door used to be. He looks at me warily. It’s true I mustn’t be attractive. And I’m sure I smell. I smell like the salty waters, the sand and the wild life. The boy stares at me with a mix of fear and curiosity.

“Yes…?” he asks cautiously, ready to close the door if I tried something he wouldn’t like.

“Emil…” my voice is shaky. I… It never was. I always had a good control over my voice. But it’s been seven years... Seven years since I last saw this little face I swore to protect. Seven years since I heard him giggle, laugh or just smile and let life flow. Time had changed him so much, but I still recognize the core of his being.

“How do you know my name…” he whispers. It doesn’t seem like a question. It isn’t. He’s about to close the door when I speak again.

“My name is… Lukas. Lukas Bondevik.”

His face lights up. He glares at me with worry. He seems lost.

“No you’re not” he eventually says. “Matt said Brother was gone forever. Liar.”

“Is he here?” I ask. Of course, Matthias told him I was dead. He couldn’t do otherwise. He couldn’t let him have his hopes up for nothing.

“Yeah…”

“Call him, please.”

I see he’s disturbed. He doesn’t know what to think. Matthias must have told him over and over that I wouldn’t come back, and here I am, leaving his little mind in a mess.

He turns back and screams his name. My heartbeat speeds up, and I think it even stopped at this point. My chest hurts so much that I have to grab it to feel better. I’ll see him again. I’ll see the one I fought for. How will it be like?

Like if we never knew each other? Or just a meeting after a long, way too long, absence?

Will he feign ignorance? Will he let me come back into his life? The life he certainly took time to stabilize?

I cannot know, and that pains me. Not the pain I suffered from on this lost island. Here, it's the fear of being… rejected. By my family. By my fiancé. We wanted to marry, we wanted to spend our lives together.

I hear the footsteps approaching, and when his gaze eventually meets mine, the air around us cools down. A lot.

I’m not the only one feeling this. Emil shivers.

I look at Matthias like if he just fell from the sky. He is as handsome as I remember him. His hair still stupidly defies gravity. His eyes are still the starry diamonds of my sky. But these eyes I see there are confused. And suddenly filled with tears.

“You… You are…”

I feel the heat coming to my cheeks. I want to cry. I want to show him I’m there, it’s me, and gosh I’m ready to live on. But I don’t know. I hear another person in the house. A woman humming in a whisper a song in a language I don’t know.

I lower my head. I can’t take the risk to cry. I’m not weak.

Realization hit me hard in the face. Crying doesn’t mean I’m weak, after all. Especially when, like now, I cry of joy. I’m happy to be there, but my heart is still twisted like crazy because Matthias doesn’t react. He doesn’t move.

“Yeah… I am…” I whisper between sobs. I’m definitely weak. But in front of them, it’s okay. They’re my family. They’re my world. They are my everything.

Matthias approaches and embraces me. But I feel that he feels weird. He cries too, on my shoulder. My tears were falling silently down my cheeks, but it’s not something I could control. My gaze however shifts to the woman.

“Matt? Is there a prob…?”

Here she comes. She seems as tall as me. Brown-haired, she has big cat-like eyes and this feline smile only her could pull off. She glares at Matthias with worry. I don’t understand her reaction, but when she lifts her hands to cover her mouth, I notice the ring. They were married.

She doesn’t say a word and let Matthias hug me so tightly. It’s not right. Not at all. They’re married. It’s not the problem. The problem is me.

I just… I just… I just screw up everything. My two worlds don’t belong to me anymore. They’re hers… I can’t take them back. It would be unfair. I push Matthias away. I still love him. He’s the one I would love to spend my life with. But it’s too late. I screwed up. I left, and he’s gone. I deserved it. For abandoning them. For leaving them alone. It’s almost like I searched for it.

Well done, Lukas. Congrats.

Sarcasm.

“How can you… be alive…” he whispers. He doesn’t believe it. He thinks he’s crazy. And I play this game? I would get away without… disturbing them. I would not come back at all and leave forever. Truly, this time.

Emil looks at me with tears. He doesn’t know how to feel. Poor boy. He can’t think correctly.

“I survived. For seven years on a lost island. Alone.” My voice doesn’t tremble anymore. I don’t cry anymore, but my eyes are still red and… do the pain in my heart grow bigger and stronger than expected…

“This is incredible…” Matt whispers. He glares at Emil who was looking for his consent. He nods. And the boy awkwardly approaches me and wraps his arms around my leg. And he sighs. A long sigh. He’s relieved I’m here. I feel it. He’s happy to see me again, after long seven years.

“Sorry” I manage to mumble. “I’m going to leave. You… You went forward, I can’t take you that.”

“No!” he almost screams.

What to do?

His wife stares at me with a shock expression, and his loud voice… triggered a cry. A baby. I sigh deeply. He’s got a kid. I simply can’t. She walks away to calm her child down. And I lift my head up to face Matthias. I smile a bit. It hurts so much. I used to always do that. Hide my emotions, my deepest feelings behind a wall of stoicism. I could lie for anything and everything. I could… I could do anything to protect my own sanity and my brother’s health.

Now it just hurts. I want them to be happy. And I’m exactly what will prevent that. And yet, I want to stay. I want to stay but it’s wrong. So wrong. My train of thoughts seems endless. There’s no solution but to leave, however.

“You’re happy, that’s what I wanted to know” I lie. And as I go through this sentence again, my heart sinks. My happiness follows. “I have to go.”

I hide my feelings again. I run away from them, in fact. Like I always did. I didn’t come there to find them happy. I somewhat did, but not in this way. I wanted them to be… over my death, but not to be in such… a harmony…

And I realize how much of an egoist I am. I was looking for my home, my own happiness. Not theirs. And I shouldn’t have. I can still change it, right? They lived without me for years. They can go on.

Me?

I don’t know.

This long journey almost made me crazy. Everything I was missing made me crazier. From my brother. From him. Leaving is the only way not to be selfish and to show I deeply care about them. I could die somewhere else.

That’s when I wonder… Why did I even come back? What was my return’s purpose? What did I even expect to find?!

I was just stupid to come here. I ruined four lives in just five minutes. Mine is already worthless, but theirs is important.

“Why would you go?” Matthias whispers.

“You went on with your life, I guess I also have to.” I close my eyes before crying again. This is a truth I didn’t want to know. A truth I didn’t like. A truth that tore me apart, me and all of my love. “Besides, you… You don’t love me anymore.”

I look for his eyes, and behind my blurry tears, I see his sad face. Of course he doesn't love me anymore. He’s just showing pity there. Not love. That’s why he didn’t kiss me. That’s why he didn’t say it. And he has all the rights not to. He’s found his true beloved one.

He sees I’m looking for his disagreement. It’s still selfish, but I can’t help but wanting his love. I don’t want our relationship to be one-sided.

He doesn’t nod. He doesn’t move for a moment before whispering his answer.

“No…”

That’s all I didn’t want to hear, but it was needed. I don’t have my place here anymore. I don’t belong on this Earth anymore. I should have died with the others. I should have sunk with the ship!

Emil glares at him and me quickly. He tries to understand what we think, but he cannot. Even his imagination wouldn’t imagine the pain I’m going through. But thinking about it, I don’t know what Matthias feels either, pity apart. Is he sad? Remorseful? Mad?

I cannot tell.

“But I can’t let you go like this” he adds after a silence. “You… You used to occupy my heart and my thoughts… I… I somehow still feel attracted to you…”

“Shut up” I state. “It’s nostalgia, nothing else. You don’t need me. I don’t have to bother you.”

This insult is also directed to me. My thoughts are driving me crazy. I listened to his sentence again and again. _“You used to occupy my heart”_. Used. I don’t anymore.

“Don’t make it sound like it’s your fault…”

“It is!” I almost scream. I never raise my voice like this, usually. But we are in quite a situation… “I disappeared for years and expected to come back like a flower, everything running along. Except it doesn’t work this way. I shouldn’t have come. Forget about me. Forget about everything concerning me.”

“You can’t let your brother down, can you?”

His final card. My brother would have been a reason, but I glanced at him and weakly smiled. He was in tears. He understood I wanted to leave, that’s the necessary. But he was in shape, living with the nicest person in this world and having a _lillebror_ himself to take care of.

“You took care of him like he was your own child. He’s in good hands, I know this just by looking at him now. I can go remorselessly.”

He can’t answer. It’s true. Nostalgia made him talk earlier. He nothing else to say. I kneel to face Emil, my dear brother.

“Farewell.”

He wouldn’t want me here too. I’m not his family anymore. He had… another one. I left him too long to still be considered his brother. We’re nothing but mere acquaintances now. Like I am to Matthias. Nothing binds us. There’s no spark of love anymore.

I stand up again and approaches Matthias enough for our lips to almost touch each other.

“Let me die” I whisper, to be sure Emil would never hear this.

“You wouldn’t dare!” He exclaims back.

“I would. I don’t have my place here anymore.”

“That’s not tr…”

“I’ve got no family anymore. No house. No friends. No work. I will. There is no use in living there anyway, uh?”

“But your brother! He missed you, all these years! He drew you, talked to you, played with you. He was sad. The saddest kid ever. Will you let that happen again?”

“He used to. You used to miss too, don’t you? He’s over it. Before I go, I want you to know, Matthias, that I still love you. I love you with my whole being and you are still the sun of my blue sky. This is not to make you fall in love with me again. Just a fact. I love you. And Emil, you are… the brightest, the nicest, the funniest, the smartest and the best brother I would ever dream of. Promise me you’ll stay as strong as this forever.”

“I will…” he says as tears come to his eyes again. I kiss his forehead and look one last time at Matthias.

My selfishness easily takes over me and I kiss him on the lips. His lips were as I remembered. But he doesn’t react. He doesn’t kiss me back. He just straightens and doesn’t move.

That’s my last proof he didn’t want me there.

I turn back and walk away. I see his wife coming back to him and asking him what I said and why I was leaving. Fool. I wouldn’t stay with you, nor with your husband. You’re both too happy together for me to ruin everything.

Ah, I never deserved such a fiancé. He was too nice for me. The road is empty. I don’t know where to go. Where to die. Not on the road. Not in the waters. A precipice would be fine. And I exactly know where to find one. Is it selfish? Is wanting my death selfish? Should I stay with the ones who used to love me?

I don’t know. But I have to take a decision anyway. I hear footsteps behind me. He’s running to get me. I begin to run. I’m so exhausted I can’t feel my legs anymore, but who cares, I’m going to die anyway. I’m quicker than him. I always was. He won’t catch up with me.

I stop at the limit of the ground. Under me went a powerful, vivid river. I didn’t know if it was that bottomless though. It was night already, and there was no light to… enlighten me.

Pff. What a bad joke for a last one.

I turn and see the fool still running after me. He doesn’t want me to die? Why so? Am I important to him?

No. I’m not anymore. Neither am I to Emil.

I don’t have the time to let myself fall that he catches my arms and hugs me tightly.

“Let go of me. Leave me alone.”

“I won’t! You don’t have to die!”

“I have to. My soulmate is gone for another and my brother forgot me. My friends are nonexistent, my life is worthless, I…”

“It’s not how it works! Again, you’re misunderstanding!”

It hits me more than I thought it would.

“You’re misunderstanding” he repeats. “Life is not about me. Emil cares about you. He missed you all this time. Actually, he never stopped talking to you. Playing with you, to the point I thought you were there to entertain him! He loves you and don’t want you to be gone again.”

“I never was there.”

“That’s not the point! If I was able to rebuild my life, so can you!”

He screams in my ears to the point I don’t even try to understand anymore. He got a point. He was right. But I still didn’t want to stay.

It was… painful.

I push him. He falls backward, on the solid ground.

“It’s selfish to think that way, Lukas! You’re trying to stop your own despair while Emil hopelessly needs it too! From you!”

“Matthias, this is not true. I love you. I love him. I used to love my life, I don’t anymore. You can’t understand this. You managed to survive through this…”

“You survived alone on a desert island! You’re a warrior! Warriors don’t die as cowards! Exactly… You’re running away from life. You shouldn’t.”

He’s right. He’s goddamned right. And I hate it. I hate myself for being a coward, like he says. My life had to be complicated, of course! Of course!

I stomp the ground of anger. And it happens. The rock cracks, and before I could even think of it, I was halfway through my death. I hear Matthias screaming my name in the distance. His voice is fading away, as does my consciousness.

I can’t remember the pain.

It suddenly… disappeared.

* * *

I didn’t really know if should be there, but I couldn’t leave. He… He died in front of my eyes. The man… I loved so much died in front of me. My sobs didn’t stay like whispers. I cried harder and louder, stomping the ground like a disappointed child. Of course I was throwing a temper tantrum. I wanted him to be happy. I felt so guilty. I… I was the cause of his chagrin. He was heartbroken, and all I did was… rubbing salt on the wound.

I was mad at me. At my idiocy. I let him die, didn’t I?

I called the ambulance right away and ran to the stairs that would lead me down to him. He didn’t fall in the waters of the river. He was next to it, and I could see the blood everywhere. There was hope. Emil taught there was always hope. The slightest thing could make you hope, even your own thoughts. And I was hoping. Hoping he might be saved. Hoping his brother would find him healthy again.

I was jumping from steps to steps, I wanted to get there in time. When I finally reached the bottom, I ran to the bloody mess he created. Some of the blood was already coloring the water red, but it soon disappeared in the puissance of the water.

When I finally reached him, I cried harder. I didn’t know it was possible. He was dead. There was no way to save him. Should I… push him in the waters?

No… He was a sailor after all. The ocean was his enemy. He shouldn’t be brought to his enemy.

When help arrived, I had to explain the whole situation, of course. I explained everything I knew about him, about us, what he said, what I answered and what could have been if I hadn’t been an idiot. He had been right to repeat it to me over and over when we were together.

They revealed me he was actually wanted by the police. After being rescued, he apparently was sent to a hospital where he was healed and asked questions.

From what had been said, it turned out he wasn’t mentally sane. There never was anybody with him on this isle. Only him. None of his comrades made it. Even when he indicated the location of the corpses, nothing was found.

He also experienced memory loss. He would sometimes blackout and come back minutes, sometimes hours later with no memory of even losing his memory.

His brain was severely damaged from the isolation, but it's not all. He had caught heatstroke on the island and lots of his organs were damaged. He couldn’t eat properly and didn’t feel his legs anymore, even though he could move them.

He apparently talked a lot of us, about how he wanted to find us, Emil and me. Nobody listened to him, they thought he was crazy, inventing even a family. When they refused, he told them he’d kill himself if he wasn’t allowed to pinpoint us.

They hesitated before deciding to accompany him to our house. They were far away, however, and one night, he escaped, and they got no sight of him until that fatal night.

He was mentally ill… Gravely sick… Organs damaged… From what they said, he wouldn’t have lasted longer than a year anyway. His heart could also get crazy and sometimes stop and come back as if nothing had happened. He was doomed to death no matter what.

It was perhaps the best idea to suicide. I couldn’t tell. What had he experienced? What did it feel like?

He wanted consolation. He wanted help. He cried for both of them, and all I did was brushing him off! I really felt guilty and had all the reasons to.

I should have tried to understand, instead of reasoning him. He went on the battlefield to protect me and Emil.

I never deserved such a beloved.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in one night, I was really focused. If I made an typo mention it please.  
> Comments are more than appreciated, I love feedback, even if it's criticism of course!
> 
> And sorry for such a dark fic... I'll try to write a happier one next time. With perhaps Nyotalia, because Nyotalia is good.
> 
> Oh and this is inspired by mainly two fics, but I can't find the second one. It was about Denmark being married to Belgium and I took this idea here.


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